I had a difficult time sitting down to write this week. Currently I am sitting in the court yard at a little coffee shop in Fayetteville NC drinking a latte, while my partner sits across form me drawing and drinking his own latte. This was not a vacation; but rather a difficult family situation that brought us back to his home town for two days between two 14 hour drives. To say that it has been challenging would be an understatement; but to say that it was awful would be over shooting. The trip has been pleasant, if not emotional and very draining.
I have never been to the American South before this, and I would not say that a family emergency was the way I wanted to remember my first trip, nor the way I wanted to meet his extended family. It has almost been 20 years since the last time I was on a major car trip. At the time I was too young to drive and spent most of the time sleeping in the back seat; so between keeping myself awake, and spending at least half driving, this has been something very new. However we take what life throws at us and we do our best to make it work.
When I first sat down I thought that I would write a nice piece about boundaries. Talking about how that has been a theme that has come up lately, and being in strange surroundings, as well as being surrounded by people I did not know it was a big test to the work that I have done on myself. Still As I began to write nothing flowed, or felt very real to me.
Yes my boundaries are being tested, and no it is not by some horrid intent. Rather it is a challenge to my own emotional state as well as how I choose to interact with others that is at the real heart of the question. All that being said, with everyone talking about boundaries and how to improve them, what could I truly add to the conversation that is new? Furthermore is that really what is on my mind as I sit here sipping a latte?
No. In fact the more that I sit, fidget, and ponder what is truly going on in my head the more I keep coming back to the question of what is really going on emotionally with me. It is something deep seeded. Emotional wounds that may never truly heal as I walk down this path. I am faced with once again watching someone I care about visit a woman that helped raise them, slowly shrink into a hospital bed. I am vetted by more and more people about how good I am for the one they love. Once again I am challenged by either keeping a stiff upper lip, or letting all of myself pour out in ways that those around me will never truly understand.
The fact is that I am an emotional train wreck expected to be a strong rock with no emotion accepting the situations around me with a smile on my face; because I am not involved the same way any more, so I should be the one removed. When on the inside I am tearing up looking for some way out of this mess.
I have always known it is easier to be the one on the inside looking out, than the one on the outside looking in. It is much easier to gather your strength and move on when something is happening to you, then watching someone, not knowing if they are carrying on or freezing up. Once again though, when we are faced with a situation we must meet head on, what more can we do other than just sit back and do the best we can?
So then here I sit, saying nothing in particular, just commenting on what it is like to watch others go through difficult situations. There is nothing that can be done other than knowing that we are not alone. We are not selfish for asking for a few moments to gather ourselves up and then march back into the visitation of another’s life while they use our shoulder as their rock. It is also not uncommon for such situations to sneak up on us and remind us of the moments we went though before, and the pain it may or may not have caused.
Life is nothing without those we love, and those that help support us. So to all of those giving their all to help everyone going though the worst, I bow to you. I say that you are not alone in being a support system, and you have a support system behind you to hold you up high in difficult times as well.
Practice in Peace and Love ❤