It has been a while since I last wrote, and all of that is my fault entirely. You see the past two weeks have been a bit trying on my well being. Most of all much of what has been happening over the past two months or so has finally caught up to me, and last Sunday everything seemed to come crashing down.
You see I left Michigan in a bit of a hurry, and in much of a want to start over, fresh and leave everything else behind without a second thought. I knew that this was not something that could be done, I also knew myself well enough to know that eventually it would all catch up to me if I was not careful. Still in the process of making all the arrangements, everything seemed to go just fine, just as when I got to Texas it seem that nothing could go wrong and the Universe was just confirming everything I already knew.
When I got here, there was much to do; and I made sure to keep myself busy. With so much opportunity to work, play, and even find distractions in things I long had forgotten, I gave little time to think upon what I was doing, or how my life had changed. Even having to tie up loos ends only a week into being in Texas by going back to Michigan, I still was not giving myself the time to greave and prepare for what was before me.
Then over Halloween, I went on a three day long trip to the infamous New Orleans LA. A place I had long wanted to visit with a love of Anne Rice novels, and a knack for the witchy side of life. A group of us left late Monday night, slept on a beach, arrived Tuesday afternoon, then managed to leave late Wednesday. After a few days of fun, my state was in good spirits, my wallet was a little lackluster, but yet again I managed to avoid any serious confrontation with my situation.
After a day or two to recover, I entered into a difficult workweek. After spending so many years away from large crowds, I found myself working not only two days of 13 hour shifts back to back, but two more 8 hour shifts during the week, to turn around and do another weekend – all while running back and fourth in order to restock. In between these days of long hours, and a LOT of energy, I found myself running in circles with people I trusted, and being pelted with more outside problems that were far away and not within my realm of escape.
By last Sunday I had spent a total of maybe 24 hours alone, and zero processing the events of the past two months. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained, I broke. I found myself waking in a more than unpleasant mood, with little hope of recovering before work. I spent the greater part of the day trying to hold together the last bit of positive energy I had, while listening to the venting of those around me (nothing too bad or out of the ordinary, just too much). At points I found myself fighting back tears, and fighting gravity to hold my head up.
As I got home Sunday night, I crawled into bed, and cried. I finally let it all out and mourned. I mourned the loss of the person I was, the people I left behind, my beloved bird that was gone before we could even start a life together on the road, the cat I would never see again, the hardships of the life I chose, making mistakes throughout the day and the time I had been here, anything and everything I could fault myself for, I mourned and cried over. It was not a very long cry, nor a very outwardly intense one; but it was one of release. All in all I had reached a point where I had to step back and just breath for a few days, away from the world and the people in it. I needed to take a break and ease back in, all the while getting back to a place of healthy Self Care.
I have mentioned before how important Self Care is and how it helps in points of personal responsibility. Here was one of those times that I proved myself right through my own actions. I had not only completely changed my life, and lost most of what I held dear; but also had refused to acknowledge the emotional, mental, and spiritual stress it was causing. I refused to step back and take a breath while the world around me spun into a new chaotic yarn. This choice almost cost me my new life by allowing it all to slip away tainted by the untied loose ends of the old world.
Monday I took a day off, almost to the point of turning off my phone. I went out to eat, and to the movies. I spent a little bit of money on snacks, and a new book, and came home to relax. Tuesday I woke up sore but no longer in tense pain, it was almost as if my body was finally released and now was rebuilding. I did a slow and restorative practice to win back my focus and slowly eased back into my own work.
I am far from 100% on any level. My body still feels like a truck ran over it 10 times, my emotions are still changing with the wind, my mind easily overwhelms itself, and my spirit is slowly rebuilding back to its empowered state. Nonetheless, as I feed my soul the food of Self Care, I can feel strength back into my parts and almost an eagerness to return to the long days of festival, and the long nights of self promotion, in order to become that which I was meant to be.
Practice in Peace and Love ❤