Personal Essay; Being My Own Rock

Today I sit down to write in a different state of mind and language than I usually write in. This entry will most likely be my most personal entry that I have ever written for this blog.
I was sitting at a cafe, no surprises there, listening to Trevor Hall while working on line looking for work. Lately I have found more cause to be disheartened than usual. No matter what has gone wrong in my life I have always found faith that things all happen as they should and Shiva would never cause blaten hardships on me for sport; but rather he places these challenges on me to learn or relearn important lessons for myself and my journey.
Today I became particularly disheartened for one reason or another, I never did pin point the reason, after talking with my loving parents about a trip we are planning for me to go and visit them in Puerto Rico. I have been confiding in my father a lot these past few years, outside of love affairs and some new ink work that I have acquired over the few months that they have been gone, there is little I keep from him. These past few weeks and days my depression has been worsening, and having a boyfriend who is in as bad of a spot as myself does not help to fuel us together to keep a positive attitude.
Today I went over money, what I have coming in and what I have to spend to keep a roof over my head and food on the table, both for me and for my lovely Jessi. The numbers seemed against me. I did not lose faith, the pleasant surprise of having more money than I have originally thought is a common occurrence for me in times like these. When I am not spending money I am always surprise how quick it will pile up. Not that I can go out and get a new car, but rather if I were to spend no more money I can pay bills for two more months. A great feat when facing the bread line.
“This is Blue” a favorite CD of mine, was playing while I was going over these troubling things. To make matters worse, both my boyfriend and I awoke this morning with less than a pleasant demeanor. Finding anger and disappointment tiresome, often when disheartened I will retreat within myself and cry. I found this familiar feeling arising within my breast, the same feeling I have when a loved one dies in my family, or when a possibly ruining situation occurs. Being my father’s daughter, rarely do I actually show emotion at times like these, but rather am the rock that others cling to, keeping their heads above water. Still when the water rises and becomes to high, who is to hold up the rock? Being heaver than human spirit, we often sink.
While the melodic voice of Trevor Hall plaid on my headphones, I found myself desperately wanting to sink down to the floor in my bathroom, and cry. Except that I was no where near my own home, and with a known need to keep a strong demeanor, could never let others see me break. Then there was a moment when there was not just one ray of hope, but a breaking of the darkness and sunshine all around me, ‘House of Cards’ began to play.
At this point I must admit, I did break. I turned off all the work that I was doing on the computer and the internet, to open up my journal, and silently cry my own tears in ink. As I wrote, the sun became brighter, the cold became warmth, and my tears no longer had the bitterness of sadness, but rather the sweetness of gratitude. I realized what I had so many times before in much better and much worse situations, happiness and strength comes from me, comes from inside of my own heart. The lesson that every Guru, every Buddha, every Deity teaches, was resonating within me. I did not only become over whelmed with joy, but also resolve.
It was a blessing more than a curse that I was able to bring those I love comfort and happiness in times of sadness and anger. Happily I was laying down any aspect of outside comfort, in order to bring up the vibrations of those I love, because I had reached the most important truth of all, the fact that I could be my own comfort. By bringing myself to a point of over flowing positivity and happiness, I was able to share it all to everyone around me. But what of those times when I feel naked and alone, unwilling to go on? Those times I can crawl inside of myself, my own heart and head, turn inward and recharge myself much like a battery.
It is the great blessing to bring smiles to the faces of those you love, and bring them out of a darkness that clouds their own heart. Once we realize and are able to bring about light and happiness to our own hearts, we are better able to serve those around us. Bring the light to those outside of ourselves. By no means do we all need to be perfect either, there will always be times when we need to draw on the strength of others. Nonetheless, learning our own way to recharge strength will always serve us and those around us best.

About 8petallotus

Here are the thoughts that hit me after everything is done and quiet, capturing the few moments of enlightenment between the grind and giving it a place to inspire. A place for yoga and divine inspiration.
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