Eventually we all have times of extreme amounts of negative thought patterns. No matter how enlightened or how positive, how righteous or accomplished you are, at some point you will question everything that you are. It is no surprise that I bring this up because I have been in this cycle for some time. I have faced these negative thought patterns and hate speech upon myself for some time, they have gotten progressively worse over the past few months, and I can say for the last year I have dug myself into a rather negative rut.
Granted I can pull up a number of contributing factors to this rut, mainly I could blame people; but pointing fingers does nothing but force three more to point back at you. Thus it is best to live and let die, as the Paul McCartney would say. There will always be negative influences upon your life, when you recognize them, how you deal with them, and finally letting them go are the real questions to life.
Recently a friend of mine shared with me a text message from his new store manager. The message read something to the effect of ‘good job team! You are all wonderful and make important contributions to this store’. My friend made light of the situations, and saw it as something with a bit of humor. Still I was amazed, my boss rarely says such things to me, he did not feel the need to tell me good job for doing the things I was hired for. (Might I also remark that my friend works at a Starbucks, or a ‘soul crushing cooperation’ and I work for an independent office?)
Nonetheless this text message sparked within me an answer to the root of my fear, depression, and anxiety, (a bit more in-depth, to the root in previous entry). I had been thinking that I needed a change of career or at least workplace, but never did I think that there was so much of my life that was affected by the negative approach my boss had to management, and life in general. Upon a microscope inspection, I found that many of my negative feelings, many of which were fear, came from my continual interaction with a known negative environment.
Today I awoke in a rather negative mood. Anxiety was the feeling of the day, and I could not for the life of me focus on anything. The night previous I had an amazing meditative experience, yet it seemed unable to permeate my negative thoughts. As the time for me to leave the cafe drew near, I started journaling. I wrote down the feelings flowing through me at that moment and the events of the past few days. I started to be overcome with a greater determination, this determination had been growing in strength, some bubble was about to burst and many of my fears were about to be put to bed. When I got home, I sat down and again started working, but not on ‘work’, on me. I wanted to rebuild myself from the bottom up. It was not that I was broken, or needed fixing, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me; what was happening over the past year or so was a compleat shuffle, a deviling so to speak.
What was the bubble that popped, or the enlightenment that I received? It is more than difficult to explain. Essentially I reconnected with a part of myself that I felt was long gone, a part of myself that I felt was better than what I was now. Rather that light at the end of the tunnel split, and showed me the steps to take to gain what I was missing, I was shown why I was having the negative speak, and why the anxiety and fear was so dominating in my life.
I have been blessed during this negative period with wonderful loving people, who for one reason or another, loved me and thought I was pretty amazing, one of a kind even. There were people telling me that they had no idea how they would have survived without me. Most recently I have had someone tell me that I am the most positive influence in their life, and I have taught them lessons that I was not adhering to, mainly to let go of their fear and it was okay. How could this be? I would correct them all and tell them I was not worthy of such praise, in fact I was convinced for some time that I was rather worthless. Nevertheless they saw something great in me that my own negativity had blinded me to.
Am I anywhere near that person I feel worthy of such praise? Am I the person I want to be? Not even close, but I know how to get back there. The main issue I have had was not that I was just a worthless person, but rather I use to be a wonderful person who inspired even my own self. It was not only that I was far from grace but that I had fallen. Some how I still inspired people, I still became a positive person in peoples’ lives, and I could not tell you how.
Finally, though, I have found the way back to that. I have found the path back to the person who is so inspiring and so uplifting, even if others will tell you I never changed. I have found the changes needed for me to be able to look in the mirror once more and smile, knowing I am doing the true best I can. Those people who saw the deeper, true Self in me that I was blinded to, they are the ones who have given me the strength to hope. The ones who had faith, when mine-and others close to me-faltered, kept me going, and its for them that I want to be the best I can be; for when I take care of and am kind myself I am taking care of and being kind to them and all other living beings.
So I invite you dear readers to join me on said path, as I will be blogging it the whole way! To see what I am planning and to follow along, just check out the page on my blog ‘Reconnecting”