So I have been having quite a time sitting down to write this entry. I have been bouncing between many subjects and actually have about three unfinished blog posts intended for this week. However the more and more that I go back and fourth with the ideas, the more I put off writing, and the more frustrated and confused I get.
Thus upon writing in my journal this evening, I found myself frustrated, upset, and confused by the conflicting emotions that are going on within my own head space and my outward expression of self. The more confused and frustrated I get, well I think you understand where I am coming from. Things are in a negative space and they are snowballing; but from where? This questions is a slight plague on my mind now.
It was while I wrote, going over every possibility, it dawned on me. This was the subject to write about this week. It is unfair for as much as I have been away from my writing to push the problem on further by not producing anything, and at the same time no problem is unique. So, I decided to do something so rarely done and give some insight into my own thoughts and feelings.
To put some background on the subject matter: I had been neglecting my yoga and meditation practices for many months now. I have been working more diligently then ever the past two weeks to get back on track and get back to a space of continual bliss. As such I decided to revisit a mantra that I was never able to finish my study on, the Guru mantra. (For those who might not know this mantra is about honoring all gurus, but mainly the one within).
Of course the first stage of a re-blooming practice is a quick and very intense state of bliss. I was in heaven every morning waking up and doing mantra, and look forward to my meditations every night, my sleep was back on track, and naturally my world around me started making changes to get back to where I should be in Spirit.
Nevertheless this is a short stage of bliss where everything is seamless, there is then the next stage of meditative practice re-visited; and that is the detoxing phase. Meditation, like many other things in life, brings negatives to the surface so that they may be removed; and there is always a choice to either keep up with the maintenance, or go back to ignoring the under-surface problems until they pop up again.
To me this is the true test of the Yogi, and this is the stage I currently find myself in.
The feeling at this stage is that of two warring parties inside of one person. One that is the ego and one that is the Self. One that is fighting, and the other that is peacefully reminding. It is the ‘Bhagavad Gita’ stage really. Here I have found myself feeling as if I am at an arms length from everything, including myself. Though I am talkative and sharing much with the people around me, it all seems so bland and superficial, still I have the need to share even the most uneventful details with everyone around me.
There is a block, in the form of cellophane that is painted thick with oil paints, it has a beautiful mural on it of a Van Gogh style landscape with bright colors, still it is separating the truth from my eyes; and I am encouraging it.
Then while sitting at home in the silence before bed it is as if there is a part of me screaming and flaying around. Trapped in a corner unable to do anything about the changes being made in the physical world; but doing everything to stop them from happening. Saying these changes are wrong, they are against truest nature of myself, etc.
That is how it is, every time it is silent. Every time I sit for meditation. Every time I enter a yogi space. What is worse is, if I can manage away from the confusion and settle, my thoughts still manage to get away from me when they never had before. Not only do they run; but they run with the most awful thoughts. Worse case senior, angry words, long forgotten grudges; all things that are always in the back of an untrained mind.
When all this first started happening, I was not only confused; but angry. I was convinced that I was failing, that I was not good enough any more and I had lost that connection due to ‘growing up’. In response I ignored these things. I ignored all the bad things happening within my own mind, playing it off as stress, or crazy. Still it kept getting worse, and I started questioning things.
Today I decided to focus on it, to figure out why there was this tearing with in that was so violent and confusing. One word came to mind; detox. I was detoxing my Spirit of all the ego things that had managed to get in while I was not guarding it, when I had given into the material world without a thought and allowed a veil to be built again. Of course the ego will fight death, but death is what must happen.
I chose to work with the Guru mantra. I chose this for one reason, to better understand myself, to better understand Spirit within me. To get there a clearing must be made, and I must decide if I want to do the work or not, if it is worth reliving emotions and situations that were never really healed. Truth is I do.