So, not to be captain obvious or anything, this is the time in which people have found their gratefulness. Not that it should only come around once a year, however within this time people feed into the idea of gratefulness and embrace it in capacities we do not see the rest of the year. I too have given in and found myself remarking on gratitude in different ways. However one thing that I have also noticed is that this is the time of year for inner-working, as well as change.
In the past two months I have experienced an extreme amount of change; waves upon waves of change, and in no small way. Granted I did not handle them all in the most gracious ways, I also was not completely an idiot about them either. One thing that changed, which I was not prepared for, was my relationships with people. Not only did the dynamics of many of my relationships change, but also with whom changed as well.
It is no small secret that my life is usually in a perpetual phoenix phase. I am almost always making a drastic change in some place within my life. However with this last change, I uprooted almost my entire life and flipped it upside down. The one thing that I was counting on to stay the same were my friendships.
I am a girl that has many acquaintances, and even friends; but there are only about a handful of people who truly have my trust enough to understand my ways and feelings. I am not only picky, but I demand a large amount of displays of worth before I will entrust one with the late night phone calls during panic attacks. Through the ebbs and flows of my life I have created and dismantled this group many times, still it has been years from the last time I had a need for reassurance and had to pause grasping at whom to call.
The other night the holiday depression hit me, hard; and I was having anything but an easy time coping. I racked my brain and landed on two names that usually end up with a three am phone call of long ramblings before any real serious issues. As I realized that these two names were no longer open to me I had to reach beyond this small group of friends in a way that I was unsure of any real resolution. I took the leap of faith and reached out, with less that happy results.
Long story short I ended up crying over one response, and the other was a ‘need to call you tomorrow’; and while in usual everyday life these are good responses, in massive emotional distress they just further the downward spiral.
So to bed I went feeling alone and down trodden. The people whom I depended had let me down or I them and the other people whom I thought were going to be joining the small circle also seemed to leave behind a trail of tears. I resolved to withdraw completely to myself and restrict conversation to shallow surface thoughts.
This plan would have worked, if only the universe also saw it this way. Sure enough early the next morning I not only had a call from the one friend, but the one who made me cry realized that there was something lacking in the communication the night before. Leaving me upset and him confused as to why I was angry. Further I was prodded for what was going on in my own head, and the idea of ‘I am fine’ was not flying as an excuse.
Long story short as the day progressed I found myself surprised at the amount of people who truly did care and were concerned about my feelings towards the holidays. People whom I would never suspect having such deep connection with myself. As I wrapped up the night journaling at a local coffee shop, I realized something. I am most grateful for the constant of love within my own life, and how the universe never seems to let me fall down.
As the fall closes into winter, there are many themes which are present in the environment around us. One of those is gratitude, but also are inner monologues and change. Many things change all around us and now is the time that great shifts will be happening. Let go of the things that no longer serve you, and be grateful for the time they were there; but recognize what has taken their place, and be grateful for what new aspects you have now.