I must admit to you that this blog was posted late. I even procrastinated on it all week; and now two and a half hours after it should have been posted, I begin to write. Which brings me to the topic of the week, the excuses we make and tell ourselves as to why we do not practice.
Part of my procrastination was a creative decision for the piece this week, and part of it was purely because I just plain could not find the motivation, nor the inspiration. This was not an isolated incident for me this week. In fact most of this week I have been laxidasical in all my responsibilities.
I have made all kinds of excuses for myself to be lazy this week too. I was sick Tuesday. Between things going on in my personal life, and things going on in my work life I have been stressed out. To top it all off I have been beyond busy. So every time that too familiar voice would creep into my head about all the things I have to get done, I would muffle my inner ears, shake my inner head, and retreat into myself.
I am not the first yogie to have an adverse reaction to life that gets taken out on my practice, and I am sure I will not be the last. We all have days, or weeks, where things slip away from us. At first it is something that is an honest issue, like being sick, or having a hurt body part that prevents us from getting on our matt and getting out of bed. However all too often that honest issue turns into excuses that compound upon each other.
What happens after a few days off the matt and the zazen pillow? I challenge you to never find out; but I can tell you within me they are not happy thoughts. I have found myself reverting to old habits. I am eating food that I thought I had moved out of my life. My couch seems to be a constant resting place. Further my emotions are out of control.
For reasons unknown to myself I am eating massive amounts of sugar. In fact I am craving cookies, chips, and all manner of processed foods that I have not even wanted in months. No matter how much, and how diversely I seem to create meals, I am never satisfied until I have a bag of chips, or a cookie to round off the meal. Of course these actions in turn make me feel even less motivated and worse.
As the days progress, I was unable to look forward to anything other than sitting on my couch watching Netflix with my boyfriend at the end of the day. Whereas last week I was on a quest to go out, see friends, and have new experiences; this week the thought of putting on ‘real cloths’ and moving mortifies me. I even picked up crocheting again to further anchor the illusion that there is no need to leave.
In the off shoot chance I do manage to have a conversation, it is riddled with either crying, or yelling. The smallest irritation sets me on a rampage of anger and hurtful words. I have managed to break down into tears every day this week, and also managed to render my boyfriend speechless less he say something else that would set me off.
I do not like feeling this way. In fact it is one of the few times I will actually use the word hate. I hate feeling this way. Personal feelings aside, it has been a growing experience, making me more aware and receptive to the emotions and stress that I have been repressing and ignoring.
By not practicing for a week I took the top off of my center. Though the fall out is less than desirable, there is a sense of peace in letting them out; and hopefully not allowing them to build again under the surface again.
Nevertheless here I am. Today is Saturday, and though I put off writing this week, I over came my excuses to practice. Just a short practice. Still the difference it has made has been more than worth it. I am again back to this playful state where I just want to roll around on my matt and try new things. I managed to get out of the house and to a cafe. My tastes are slowly shunning the more processed foods that I have been craving.
We all have life that sometimes keeps us from our mats and our meditation pillows. However it is when these parts of life start to let up, but we do not allow ourselves back to practice that a problem occurs. No matter the excuse it is most important to over come the obstacles and come back to ourselves.
Practice in love and peace ❤