It has been a few weeks since I have written. I had sat down last week and began to write a beautiful exploration regarding stabilizing forces, and the way that my life was changing, and how everything was truly setting in as my last real goal has been finished. However the more I tried to edit, reread, add to, etc. the more I found myself unhappy with what was coming out, and the more I found my self finding a strange feeling of anxiety about everything over all.
I think I have yet to fully process the gravity of everything that has been happening over the past few months. Even as I have been upping my practice, and delving deep back into my heart chakra, I always find myself reaching this edge of anxiety, depression, and a multitude of other emotions that are rather unpleasant.
It is when we are the most uncomfortable, the most faced with unpleasant emotions are we the most able to process and grow. Even during the meditation where I found many of these emotions popping up, I kept breathing and reminding myself that “this too shall pass”. That is the beautiful thing about Mindful meditation that is often overlooked. We are not working toward something, we are not looking for anything, we are rather just sitting and experiencing everything at it’s fullest. We are just placing ourselves with the tools to weather any storm.
That is what my mantra has been as of late. It has not been anything exciting, or even empowering; just the phrase “this too shall pass” in a multitude of different configurations. Not that my life is physically unpleasant, or even mentally or emotionally for that matter; it is more that as the work I have been doing winds down, and I find myself back in new coffee shops sipping down dirty chais by the hour, I am reminded of a life I left behind, and the fact that I will not be going back.
I am not sad that I will never again step foot into the apartment that I lived for four years, or that I am not fighting traffic in snow; but rather the realization that those things are not going to pass is setting in. As that unknown creeps closer, and even at times is here, the age old fear of it pops in and challenges me to relive my decisions to come out here over and over again.
As I mentioned earlier, the post that I was planning on publishing this week was dedicated to different understandings of stabilizing forces, and what happens when they change or are removed. The constant in my life was the beautiful Detroit Metro. There were few parts of the city that I did not know, or had never lived or worked in. Now I find myself GPSing even a trip to the grocery store, seeing doppelgangers of friends and reminding myself they are in another state, and, most of all, I find myself grasping at something, some routine to ground myself in this life, in this present moment.
Still in all of this uncomfortably, there is the chance for real, deep, and true growth. The uncomfortable is the most fertile ground because it forces us to take long looks in the mirror and decide whom we really are, what we stand for, what our boundaries are, what types of people we find compatible with ourselves, and challenges us about our motives. When we stay in the same comfort level, we are never able to see where we have fallen short, where we excel, if our principles are true, etc. If we can rise to the uncomfortable, really look at it, feel it, revel in it, and examine it; it truly can reveal our Selves.
So then, in all this rambling, this is where I find myself. Feeling as if the ground has been pulled out from under me; but remembering that I had done that to myself. Anxious, and often times feeling as if I am falling short of the social scene I have placed myself. At times feeling inadequate, but also feeling as if that to which I hold true to is a farce in the eyes of those I find around me. Many times dazed, and unsure of where I landed. Finding strong emotions and preferences towards situations and people, that upon inspection offer insight that I have long been seeking but unable to find.
All in all I know that “this too shall pass”, and that most of what I feel and am experiencing from my perspective is just the ego rationalizing the uncomfortable, the scary unknown. I know that with time even this life of travel will feel ‘normal’, and I will also have the two month itchy feet to go on to the next town, the next festival. However, when staring at this abyss of unknown, and walking through this dark tunnel, I am less concerned with this passing, and more about who I will be on the other side. I could always shut my eyes, hunker down and wait for it to pass, seeing and hearing nothing. Or I can rise to the occasion, stare it down and examine it. I can learn from this uncomfortable and become more of the Self that I am.
Practice in Peace and Love ❤