Once again I stepped away from working with what I love and am passionate about, only to come full circle charging back. Like any true walk about, or journey back to oneself, the past year was riddled with difficult decisions, challenging emotions and thoughts, as well as confusion surrounding every aspect of my life. However at the end, not only do I have a further understanding of who I am and why I am here; but also I have a year’s worth of lessons and wisdom to use and share.
A little over a year and a half ago I made a decision to leave my home behind in order to travel the country. At the time I was already working at my local Renaissance Festival, and had several good friends traveling the circuit. Thus I decided to pack it all up and follow them to the next show.
The next year and a half was filled with all the intensity of emotion. Everything that could happen in a life time seemed to happen in this short span. I fell deeply in love, then had my heart broken. I lived in over four different states and 8 different cities around the country. I bought a new truck, and a trailer as a house. I both found and lost some deep friendships. Completely destroyed my own identity, rebuilt, destroyed on repeat. All the while every planet was in retrograde (thank you 2018) and I was experiencing my Saturn Returns.
Then, a few months ago, something began growing inside me; or rather something began to reemerge. I had started my usual yoga teaching schedule for the Arizona show, and found myself deeply moved by teaching once again. I began noticing over the next show, that the only time I was really happy was when I was immersed in some aspect of energy healing, yoga, or card reading. Essentially I was being called home, and everything else was the inverse of joy.
Life seemed to come to a head when I arrived in Colorado for the Festival here. I crossed the state border and had a few days left before the campground opened. I was running dangerously low on funds, had nowhere to sleep, and had just driven for two days straight. Something was breaking down in my head, and the happiness that I had been trying to create and feel for the past year was turning out to be a façade.
I called a friend of mine whom had moved to Denver the year before. At first I thought I was just calling to check in and let him know that I had made it to CO safely; however as we talked it came out that I was just extremely unhappy and wanted to be working within the scope of my own passions. I wanted to once again own my own business. I wanted to work endlessly to promote and bring it up to speed, to meet with other business owners and network, and most importantly I wanted to be doing the work that mattered to me. I wanted to be doing work that I felt truly made a difference in other people’s lives and the world at large.
After that, as they say, things just started falling into place rather quickly. I called another friend of mine whom had wanted to open a store front, and we began putting out business plans together. I found that I had more colleagues here than I realized, and several friends whom were more than willing to help me transition into living here full time, as well as start my business.
As it was all happening rather fast, I had a few moments where I questioned if I was moving forward or backwards within the scope of my own life. True I was making decisions that would ultimately change my life in a forward moving direction; but I had done this whole business thing before, and I left it. So what was different about this time? Rather how was this not moving backwards?
I reasoned that either way it did not matter, for the idea of settling here brought much joy and motivation, whereas being on the road brought nothing but anxiety and dread. I kept sitting down to try and understand the deeper spiritual path and reasoning behind things, and was constantly brought to one moment that happened over this year:
During my 30th birthday, I had a conversation with the universe in which I was asked who I wanted to be in this ego shell. Further more if I was ready to step into my becoming and let my old ego transition. Step into the Mother from the Maiden. Not that I was ready to pop out children mind you, but more so if I was ready to enter the next phase of my life. I decided I was and did the only physical thing I could think of to solidify this decision; I cut off my 10+ year old dread locks (now I do plan on putting new ones in).
It has taken me a solid year to truly and intrinsically understand the impact of that conversation and decision. I now know that I had to go traveling in order to truly move into my next phase of growth and spirit. Traveling with the Ren Fair was the last thing on the bucket list of my old ego. By doing it I am fully able to put to rest the person I was before and step into the beautiful person I need to become. I learned the last minute lessons needed, I reaffirmed my own skill sets and passions, and I met the very important people that are my family in this journey. I am not stepping backwards. Rather I am stepping forward fully removed of any energies that could hold me back.
It has been a strange journey. Something that I think could have been avoided, but then again it would not be such a sweet tasting path had it been. I feel reborn, and re-motivated. I feel as if I am exactly where I need to be, and all the pain was worth it.
Sometimes we have to take the roundabout way to finding ourselves once again. Sometimes when we find who we are and what we are meant to do, we still must ‘finish up’ with who we were before. Sometimes we have to circle back and find that closure before we can fulfill our becoming. If we really want to move forward free and clear, stepping into our truest becoming, we have to accept that the path can a little extra windy, that sometimes we can get a little head of ourselves and need to double back. Eventually we will find how to put our old egos to rest and grow into the beautiful Spirits we are inside.
Practice in love and peace ❤